August Reflections

This Month's High's:

• Slowly getting my home office the way I like. 💖
• I completed my first Oodles of Doodles challenge in August hosted by the.petite.planner on Instagram - it was a under the sea theme. It was a lot of fun and I'm gearing up for the next one. 🐳
• Celebrating early for my almost 8's birthday on our end of the summer trip to Great Wolf Lodge (our first time). 🍰
• Gifting my first framed piece of art to a co-worker for her office bridal shower. 
• Putting myself out there again and entering the Poster Contest at work.
• Having one of my Instagram posts featured on beautiful.journals!!! - I guess I should be a little more confident and take a little more risks like I did here.
• Ending the month with 89 followers! 

      

This Month's Low's:

• My left foot is hurting again.
• I was too ambitious with the IG challenges and was only able to complete one out of 3 - I just need to plan better. 
• I have gained a lot of weight (at least 10 lbs) 😓 - I want to lose the weight but with my foot pain it makes it harder because I don't want to make it worse but I am not sure how to do it with the foot pain.
• Still working on changing my thought process and not getting hung up on things but still working on it. It is a challenge.
• I got off track with my plant based diet especially while on vacation and need to get back into it.

It is so crazy that August has come to an end. That also means summer as well. Fall is a great season but for some reason the change in the weather seems to bring my mood down, which means I need to brace myself for this season.

Featured Post on 8/26/2017

I have been out of town for a while so I haven't had a chance to post. Partially because my blogger app is not very reliable. It used to be so easy to be able to post and add a pic at the same time. I am not sure what happened to it.

Anyhow, I am excited and honored to have one of my Instagram posts featured on beautiful.journals! I gave it a shot and tagged other IG users that feature certain journal posts they deem worthy so it's very exciting! I still feel like I don't know what I am doing but I must be doing something right!

Ahhhhh so COOL!! As of today it has 113 likes. I have yet to get beyond 40 likes on one of my posts so this is amazingly cool! 😊😊😍😍

National Dog Day

Today is National Dog Day apparently.  The booboos are temporarily at my mom's place and it has been strange without them around. Poor neglected pups. They don't look it but they are 10 and 9 years old. Hopefully I get their doggy genes...haha.

I have 80 followers on Instagram! It's wonderful but it tends to fluctuate. I think I only noticed because I had unfollowed a few people and then I noticed the numbers going back and forth from 78-80. It says I have 82 but I will assume it's 80.

It is a bit of a downer since I'm paying attention to it. I'm getting closer to 100 but I'm not holding my breathe. Just need to stop caring about that...ugh.

Day 11 - Report

I made it to Day 11! Although I was not completely meat-free I am meeting my goal, eating mostly vegetables. There are some rough times but it seems doable.

I think my co-worker liked her gift. She mentioned having some similar pieces at her house...who knew? Also I submitted a poster for the competition at work. Let's hope for the best!

Solar Eclipse

The solar eclipse was all the new today. I just happened to be off work taking care of 2.5 (officially today) since the daycare is closed. He was napping at the time but I didn't have the glasses to look at it so it wasn't as obvious for me. 😎

This is the picture I took that is closed to the reported time it should've occurred in my location. As you can see you can't really tell too much. It was pretty cloudy so at some points I wasn't sure if it was cloudy or the solar eclipse...

Mood: 😒Irritable 

2.5 has really been testing me lately. It's constant mini meltdowns over seemingly nothing at random times every day. I am not sure if it's because I am around? My mom says he is fine with her until I come home and he's extra naggy and more prone to mini meltdowns.

He is a defiant one. Sometimes I would call him and he will not answer or respond. He knows his name. When he is being directed to do something he will avoid eye contact as if you are not there. Timeout? He will go over there but ask him to stand or straighten up is another meltdown waiting to happen. Counting down...nothing. I am at a loss and my fuse is getting shorter and shorter by the minute. This isn't helping an already sensitive situation...

We are suppose to go on a vacation next week and I am not sure if I can even "relax."

Gift - First Framed Piece of Work

I am excited to gift one of my coworkers one of my pieces. This is my first time actually framing something of mine. I am still self conscious of my abilities and shy to even share...I hope she likes it. If not she can reuse the frame and matte. haha.

I am nervous because it isn't like she asked me to draw something or even knows I draw. I feel like I am really putting myself out there and it's a nervous and anxious feeling. I like what I produce but not necessarily other people. This is part of my depression - beating myself up and overthinking things. Will she like it? Will she think it's dumb? Is it enough to be a present? Is it dumb? I think once I give it to her then I will let it go but for now the nerves are there...

I really need to develop a thicker skin...but it's difficult for me.

 

Mud and Merlot - Final Product!

So i picked up the finished product 2 weeks ago and totally forgot about posting it. So here it is...

Mood: 😒

I'm in a weird mood today. A bit out of it and I suppose I am also getting over my cold? I am on day 6 of my two week mostly plant based Diet. It's a struggle and quite the adjustment. I think my body is going through the WTF stage, like "WTF is going on!?" I am still eating meat but just significantly less. I'm just trying to figure it out and tweak it to hopefully become a lifestyle change.

I tried working out for almost a year and nothing changed that much, so this time I'm trying a different approach with my diet. I hope to eventually get back into working out, but as of now I'm gonna try changing my eating habits. So far, my mind seems to be ready for it. It's the execution that requires more work.

I am still feeling like I'm out of reality. Things happen and I feel like I am on auto-drive and not fully in control. It's almost like I have to remind myself that this is reality. I met with some friends last night and spoke about my depression. It's so hard to explain it. It's not a matter of fixing it it's just something I feel that I can't explain and not sure why. If it can be fixed easily it would have been "fixed" by now. All I can say is that it doesn't make sense and it probably never will because no one can ever know you unless they are you.

I was thinking maybe I wasn't as depressed as the doctor diagnosed me to be, but I guess when trying to explain it last night perhaps I am.

I feel like I am doing too much all at once. I KNOW I am doing too much. I never gave myself a chance to "stabilize" before trying something else to try and get better. It's just as confusing as it sounds. How would I even know when and what stabilizing looks like anyways? I hate not being able to pinpoint or figure out what is getting me depressed...I wish it was an easy fix but there are just too many layers to it.

Anyways, I have a few projects that are coming up. There is a poster contest at work that I am working on submitting a design for and a co-worker getting married soon. I am planning to gift her a photo frame but adding a special drawing in the middle where she can use it as she wants (or throw it away). I hope she will like it. I will be using my stick figures for it. It helps so much because I don't have to adjust it to their likeness or be afraid to offend her. My stick figures are always thin and no skin color. As for my poster submission, I'm still working on it. I don't have any ideas that jump out at me yet...The deadline is 8/24...

I'm THAT girl...

I'm pretty certain I have become THAT girl. THAT girl you haven't seen in a while and do a double take because you've gained a lot of weight since the last time you saw them. THAT girl that you wait until she leaves to say "wow she's gained weight..."

Of course this could be all in my head but I have a feeling... I caught myself in the mirror and my waist is definitely thick and my pants feel it too.

Today is day 3 of my mostly plant based journey. I've been documenting things in my journal. It has been a challenge but I try and remember things don't happen overnight and it's only day 3. Hoping to stay on track.

Plant Based Diet Challenge

I am preparing to get into a more plant based diet for the next two weeks. I have gained weight and inches and I'm not happy about it.

Another reason I want to give it a try is because of the benefits behind it. Better mental health, energy, mood, weight loss, better overall health in general. I am hoping this will be a more natural way to help myself. I have also got my husband to join me but all the pressure is on me..."I'll eat whatever you make me" he says. That's a lot of pressure because he could definitely benefit from it as well, so I quit so does he...

This is going to be tough. I am already dreading it and I have even thought about not going through with it several times. Without having started yet. This could end up being a failure but I need to stop myself thinking that way. It's going to take a lot of hard work and planning, which I am horrible at. Perhaps that is the depression talking. I don't have the "skill" so therefore I don't try at all or I will try but accept it when I fail. Then the problem is I know this, do it, and end up beating myself up for it and back into the self deprecating cycle again.

In hopes of breaking the cycle, I have dedicated yet another journal for this. I am hoping to be more organized about it and hopefully keep the motivation going. Another journal is overkill but I want to have everything related in one go-to journal.

I plan to have my meal plan laid out, tracking my status, lists of things i can eat, beginning stats, and writing down some of my feelings along with it. Some of my strategies include rewatching the documentary when I feel like giving up, posting motivational words an

d pics to motivate me to make good healthy choices. We shall see...i have to be honest, I am feeling pessimistic right now. I need to overcome and just do it...stop listening to my negative self.

Mood: 😞

I haven't been in a great mood lately. Not sure if it's still the withdrawal symptoms or not. It's been a while but I know it takes a long time to get out of your system. I know when you first get on the antidepressants they warn you about feeling more depressed and possible not-good thoughts. It sounds so counter intuitive. I have been reverting back into my old ways of thinking, so that coupled by ultra sensitivity is not good.

I am still enjoying drawing and all but lately it hasn't been enough. Now that I'm looking at it...I think it's the mechanism for me to escape from reality.  It's not too different from my obsession with candy crush but it at least I am able to produce something and get feedback and improve.

Geeking Out

I stopped by Michael's today and I am totally geeking out! I almost feel like one of those famous YouTubers sharing my "haul" with you.

Anyways, they are having a summer clearance sale. I was able to pick up this cute 365 planner bag with a bunch of storage on clearance for $17.99 from $29.99. I am not sure how to utilize it yet but it's so cute! I can carry my journals, pencils, stencils, and markers easily. The real score is the 50% off grid books! I bought 3 of them at about $3.50 each. Grid books are so hard to find! Not sure why that is but I'm excited to find some. I also picked up some mini wooden signs for $.30! I'm such a nerd, but a happy one! 

Good News and Bad News

1. My headache and dizziness has lessened significantly. However, I am still easily irritated. I think it's still part of my withdrawal side effects. I get really snappy and annoyed. Especially with the boys. Still working on that...

Another thing that I have also noticed is my extra sensitivity to things. For example, seeing something disgusting wouldn't normally effect me, but now I would really feel grossed out. Smells included. Weird...

On a lighter note...I have also developed intuitive psychic abilities (LOL). This is funny but also kind of true. Lately, I would think about something randomly (like not everyday normal things) and I would find out something about it (mostly via email) within the same. One day I was asking about my pregnant coworker and if she had her baby yet...and within a minute I got an email from our boss announcing the baby's arrival. More recently we had learned about a coworker moving away. We don't work with that individual that much but I randomly wondering when her last day was...and within an hour, she sends everyone a farewell email....so weird. There are 3 other instances too. 😵

2. I've been incorporating more veggies and fruits into my diet and less meat and dairy. I am preparing to take a stab at a plant based lifestyle for 2 weeks. I even convinced my hubby to join me with an exception of seafood. It will be a challenge but I am trying not to think too much about it. I don't want to just to be a 2 week "diet." It's 2 weeks to convince myself and my hubby. It's a huge commitment so well see how that pans put. My hope is that it will naturally help to clear my mind and just feel good about myself overall. Plus, losung weight.  I havent gained that much weight but my waistline will tell you otherwise. The exercise piece i will figure out later, too many things to do right now...

3. I am still on my creative kick and even posted a few things on my Facebook. I know I shouldn't be hung up on likes but I guess it comes with the territory.  I've gained a few more followers and I am at 72 posts on Instagram. I am still debating whether it is a good thing to put so much out there. Do I really want more likes/followers from strangers? The cons from being more exposed?

4. I've been keeping up with my August challenges. It has been fun joining in. I am doing the bohoberry, happylettering, and oodles of doodles August challenges. It has kept my creative side thinking outside of the box and it is a challenge for myself. I've made a few Instagram friends so it's nice to participate.

Oodles of Doodles Challenge

Happy Lettering Challenge

 5. I tidied up the house. I finally cleaned the basement. Not that it was super dirty or anything. Just messy. I feel like it's a whole new basement! LOL

6. So excited about my new succulents! I purchased a set of 3 medium sized succulents recently. I love having plants in the house even if my thumb isn't green. It's more like a dark purple hoping turning green one day...

7. Spotify, I am so obsessed with you! You have made it so easy to play songs I love. I gave been on memory lane with Spotify and loving it!

Slowly But Surely

I am still feeling the withdrawal effects from weaning off the antidepressant. Slowly but surely...

Looking back on my experience with seeking professional help, I feel as though this society is too quick to turn to drugs. It was my cry for help and based on a standard assessment I was diagnosed instantly with severe depression. I was in such a vulnerable state that I was willing to try anything. I didn't like how medicine was the primary treatment and then therapy was secondary. I am not entirely sure what "severe" depression feels like but I question if it was as bad as they made it seem. There's such a wide spectrum that I don't think one assessment would be able to identify it.

The whole process in itself is so...you guessed it.....

D E P R E S S I N G!!!!

You don't know who you are going to get. When you are depressed isn't giving up easily a sign of depression? You seek help through your insurance (because who wants to pay so much money to help yourself? That's depressing), you do not connect (also depressing), you search for someone else (depressing going through names and profiles), rinse and repeat. When you do find a possible connection then you have to schedule more appointments for them to know you and pay more money... This just seems so crazy to me. If I was on the low end of the depression spectrum that would've bumped me up a couple of levels.

It took me about 7 months to finally see that. I got up to 200 mg before I tried to self-wean.When you are desperate and don't know what you are doing you'd do anything to be "normal" again. I am feeling better these days...almost more hyper. Not sure why but I am hoping it's because I found my outlet and joy again. I hope I can do it and learn how to cope with it. Wish me luck!